Men are men

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on,
baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The others answered, "I
don't know... I thought you were watching."
---Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

And the Winners Are...

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.


3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.


6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-
mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.


7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.


13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.


15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


And the pick of the literature:


Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Keep Dreams Alive or Keep Dreaming?

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather
have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because
of
the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her
overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be
provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary
is $200,000 a
year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull shittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Woman Is A Bad Ass

CIA JOB OPENING

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men
and a woman . For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside
this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for 5 minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can 't kill my wife." The
agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a
row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to
death with the chair."



Moral: Never put a woman to the test.