Relief for Cat Fight Fever

For all of you lucky parents with kids who fight constantly (like mine), help is here! I have been doing some reading about sibling rivalry and positive techniques for relieving tension between siblings. Many of the articles that I found had similar suggestions, but I think I have some valuable information for you. When I was young, my sister and I used to fight often. So, now that I have two girls who fight, I find myself having sympathy for my younger daughter and then feeling guilty for not being unbiased. I do not want to unintentionally add fuel to the fire between these kids, so I figure education is the next best thing to therapy. Here are some pointers for parents (and other caregivers) that should help alleviate the stress of being around siblings who fight.

1. One of the most common mistakes that parents (I will just refer to all caregivers as parents to save space) make is comparing siblings. NEVER COMPARE SIBLINGS! This will just create more conflict and resentment (and more hair pulling)! Kids need to be valued for their individuality, not criticized for their differences. You don't want each child to be the same. How boring would that be?
Never make statements like "Stop doing that! Your brother never did it." or "Clean up your room, don't be messy like your sister". Sometimes we don't even realize we are saying these types of things, but just keep in mind that you never want to use anyone else's name when it comes to addressing a child, unless it is their hero and you are making a positive statement such as "Wow, you just cleaned up faster than Superman!".
2. USE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT! Praise these kids when they are getting along, every time! Never miss an opportunity to point out when kids are getting along. This is your way to get kids to WANT to gain your attention by getting along. When they hear you say "Gosh, you guys are really playing well together, aren't you?" they will notice how good it feels to be friends.
3. SPEND AT LEAST 10 MINUTES ALONE WITH EACH KID- EVERY DAY! Even if you are just bringing one kid to the store with you, or reading a couple of books before bedtime, the more you make an effort to spend one on one time with each kid, the less they will try to get your attention by fighting with each other.
4. GIVE YOUR KIDS LOTS OF HUGS AND LOVING WORDS! The more positive energy you put into your kids, the more full of loving words and actions your kids will be. If you are constantly yelling at your kids, they will emulate your behavior and fight with those around them (ie: their brothers and sisters).
5. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Kids don't have as much time to focus on each other when they are on the go, especially when they are doing something that they enjoy. Take them to the zoo, the beach, the park, anywhere that they are likely to have positive experiences. Build their "fun time" together and you will give them more positive memories together. It is harder to fight with someone who you have had a lot of fun with!
6. GIVE KIDS THEIR OWN TIME. Arrange play dates for your kids, not only at your home, but also at their friends' homes. This allows kids to have their own time and space away from their siblings. Encourage kids to spend time alone in their rooms, reading a book or drawing. When kids learn how to spend time without being entertained, they have an easier time as adults finding positive things to do with their time.
7. NEVER TAKE SIDES WHEN KIDS FIGHT! Instead of trying to figure out who is in the wrong, it is best to ask children questions to gently guide them to solve problems. It is also important to talk about the feelings that they are experiencing. "I see that you two are feeling upset. I'm sure if you talk this out, you can work out a solution".
8. DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO TATTLING! Ignore it! If a kid comes to you with a story about the other child and what they said or did, tell them "I am sorry that you aren't getting along" and nothing else. Tattling is a way to try to get one up on the other sibling, don't play into it.
9. PUT TOYS IN TIME OUTS TOO! If kids do something really naughty, put them on the stairs or in a really boring place for a few minutes (one minute for each year they are old) for a time out. If kids are fighting over a particular toy, put the toy in time out. Don't take sides, just very quietly put the toy into a time out for an hour! **Keep in mind that if you don't stick to your word, kids will cry and pull out all of the stops each and every time you say no, UNTIL they get their way. If you stick to your guns, they will learn that you mean what you say.**
10. ONLY STEP IN IF THINGS GET PHYSICAL! If kids argue, tell them to take it to another room and work on a solution. Let them know that hitting, punching, hair pulling etc are not okay. If they do get physical, separate them. Let them know that physical fighting will not be tolerated under any circumstances.
11. KIDS WHO ARE TIRED, HUNGRY OR BORED ARE MORE LIKELY TO FIGHT. Keep them well tended to and the fighting should reside in about 18 years or about when they move out and go to college (just kidding...sort of).

I hope these suggestions help you. I will keep you posted if I find any other good tid bits. In the meanwhile, good luck and don't forget, it is just fine to take a time out for yourself too!